Category: Dating and Relationships
Ok, no offense to anyone here! I didn't know whether I should post this to the rant board, or here, so I posted it here. Well anyway, I wanted to get some input. Like I said, I dont know if it's just me, or if there's some type of pattern with most blind guys. i mean, dont get me wrong, i depend on my family some, but I've sort of noticed after my last couple of dates, (both my ex boyfriends were totally blind), they depended on their mom so much! That's a real turn off for me! Now I'm not trying to make any generalizations or stereotypes or anything, because maybe not all guys are like that, but I do know it's very rare the ones I have seen who aren't dependent! but what's up with blind guys turning out to be mama's boys?
Probably because, for some, their parents always did stuff for them, and so that's what they grew up expecting. I've seen this many times, though with just as many blind females as males.
Yeh, it depends on how independent the person is--blind or sighted, man or woman.
My best friend's former roommates immediately come to mind as an example. The guy is 26 or 27 and sighted, with no job, no housekeeping skills, a growing police record, a bad attitude, and an unwillingness to do anything about it. And his mother just puts up with him and lets him live with her. 'Course, she's just as immature as he is, so it's not surprising.
So, it really depends on the person.
Namaste,
Becky
As somebody who went to both a School and a College for the blind I can say that this isn't a problem suffered exclusively by the male of the species. Though in both cases I think some slack does need to be cut in so much as often the problem doesn't lay as much with the offspring as with the parents. That is to say that if you're taught from the year dot that your blindness is a problem that you can never overcome and so will always have to rely on mummy and daddy for the rest of your life, then the vast majority of people put in that position will end up living in exactly that way.
I know it's easy to think well, I didn't end up that way so how is it that others can, but you just have to remember that we're all different in how we handle things. If you've had something drilled into your head from a young age, the reality is that that's how most people will think and behave as they get older.
To at least partially restore some male pride though I will just add that I'm a blind guy who left home when he was 16, and now, at the age of 29, don't even live on the same continent as my Mother. *Grin.* So it's definitely not true of all blind guys no.
Dan.
i agree with dan some what here, i haven't been to a blind school did about 9 months in a blind college situation. how ever i think if i depended on my mum they'd disown me my parents the both of them. i was encouraged when i was losing my sight to continue my life in the vain i lived it.
how ever mair i think it is i see your point and find it highly disappointing in todays society that there are blind and visually impaired people who let themselves live in that kind of world. i live back with my parents now admitedly but can't wait to moveout again as i do find it a bit space invading although my parents are very good at letting me continue in being independent.
Joe
i think a lot of it may have to do with self confidence also. And I mean, dont get me wrong, I do know some guys who are blind, and are well independent, but those people probably didn't grow up with moms like that. But then again, I know one guy who had his own apartment at one time, and his mom's quite overprotective, and he still went on his own for a while, but why is it that even with training, people still tend to come home to their parents, rather than getting out on their own? Like for me, i'm not currently living on my own, but I did try it, and also it's because of money, and not necessarily because I cant do it. But wouldn't you think that as a man, it would be imbarrassing? I mean, if men have so much pride, like they say they do, why do they still depend on mommy? Or is it mostly Hispanic moms who overprotect their sons to that extreme, and dont bother teaching them, not necessarily because blindness is a problem, but because that's just the way they are? What do you think?
cultures can play a massive part, i am 23 and lived away from home have a job, can cook, iron, washing all other domestic chures. then i know a lad who is 26 lives at homenever worked, went through university whilst living at home and that he is completely molly cuddled at home. he is from an asian back ground infact he is muslim i am not generalising here just wondering ifthat is common in that culture?
i am quite a proud person but have no qualms of living at home till i find a place i can afford or is practical for myself as many people my age currently are in the same situation. i do know from talking that English visually impaired people seem to be the most advanced in europe.
Gosh, in truth it is even hard to know where to start with what I think. Okay, let's start with the thing about going back home. Now to me there is no shame at all in admitting defeat if you've given it your best shot. You seem to be saying that it's fine for you to go back home having tried to live alone and failed because you're a woman, but not for a guy to do it. Even though you also concede that sometimes the reason for going home may have nothing to do with a disability. It seems to me that one of the hardest things to do in life though is admit ones failings, and if you're big enough a person to do that, then surely that in itself is something to be proud of is it not? I mean what ever the problem, be it financial or otherwise, you're admitting that you need help and I really can't see what is so deplorable about that. Consider the alternative, keep struggling along until eventually you fall on your face. Where would the sense be in that?
I suppose that I am a touch confused as to your overall point as what you're saying comes across as a little contradictory to me. On the one hand you ask why do people go home to Mummy in spite of all the training that they've received, then in the next sentence suggest that you've gone home because you couldn't afford to live alone. I don't really see how the two things are connected so I'm finding it a little difficult to form a completely coherent response as a result.
I suppose therefore that I can only fall back on what I stated above. For me often somebody's lack of ability and/or willingness to live alone can often be traced back to how they've been treated by their parents and in truth I think even the parents should be cut some slack with this issue because when you think about it, we as visually impaired people are judging those parents from a visually impaired persons point of view, that is to say that we know and understand the World in which we live. But try and put yourself into the shoes of Jo and Sheila average, 2 fully sighted people who have just given birth to what they believe to be a perfectly healthy baby, only to be told with in a few days that their child has a problem with their eyes and won't see properly, or even that their child won't ever see at all. Under those circumstances it is absolutely natural that their response to that news would be to overprotect. They don't have any clue what visually impaired people are capable of, in fact chances are as parents of a new born baby with visual impairment of some sort, they won't be able to think much beyond what it would be like for them to be blind. You see for most people who have had sight all their lives, the thought of going blind is utterly terrifying and it is those thoughts that then spur the parents into an overprotective state.
The point is that we as visually impaired people do get help with the things that we need. We're trained to use adaptive equipment, we're taught how to iron clothes, make beds and generally be able to look after ourselves out there in the big scary World, but what training do the parents ever get? They're just handed a baby with a visual impairment and pretty much told there you go, now get on with it.
It isn't hard to see when you peace all of those things together that many adult visually impaired people are so heavily reliant on their parents, indeed, at least to my mind, it would be highly odd if that weren't the situation.
You hit the nail on the head with your very first comment in your second post where you said that a lot of it has to do with self-confidence. That is unquestionably the case. That's the point I'm trying to get across really, you can only gain confidence in your own abilities if you're given adequate opportunities to test yourself, often the all too natural inclination of a worried parent is to do things for their children instead of giving them the chance to try, and possibly fail. So as a result no confidence is built up and that isn't a gender thing, it's an opportunity thing.
I still feel in truth that I might be missing your point a little, if I am then I can only apologize. I hope that at least some of what I've just said though makes some sense.
Dan.
Dan, you make some very good points. A lot of parents that are told that their child is blind have no idea what to do. So they overprotect, or they become abusive because of the emotional strain--both of which can lead the blind child to believe that they are not capable of much. But it ultimately comes down to open-mindedness on the parents' part and will power on the child's part. Parents should want their children to be successful, no matter their disability, and they should learn how to help their children overcome their obstacles. Sadly, this is not often the reality. It is then up to the child to seek help from other places. It may not happen quickly, and it might not happen as soon as you're legally an adult. You may make a few mistakes before you get there, but as long as you learn from them and take your own life into your own hands, you'll do fine. I wish more people would realize that, but as I said, it's a matter of will power.
Namaste,
Becky
What about men, and women for that matter, who for whatever reason cant find work, or at least can't find a job that pays enough to allow them to be financially independent. In those cases, having parents who are willing to help may be necessary.
I agree with both Becky's. i mean, the thing is not so much that people with visual impairments need to live on their own, it's really a matter of how dependent on your family you really are. Like for me, i know that I dont have the money to live alone right now, but I dont go depending on my family for everything either! But well, i guess that's because I've not really had a family that was big on overprotecting me. And I understand your point on parents not knowing how to take it, but unfortunately, those parents who are overprotecting their children to the extent they have to rely on them even as adults, that's affecting their lives, and those parents dont seem to see it that way. So therefore, the child's self confidence is low, they think they cant do anything, and the parents encourage that! And the fact that there is no training for that sort of thing! And I think even if there was, also depending on how effective the particular training is, some parents are so hard headed they'll never get it either way!
Also, on another note, while there are the overprotective parents, there are also the strict parents who expect their child to know things like budgetting, but never bother to teach them! This too can cause a person to depend on mommy because he doesn't know how to take care of his money!
And also related to the initial topic, what about those guys, and girls but I've seen mostly guys, who just get used to having mommy around and want to keep depending on her, in spite of what he can do? Now that, is what I think, should be imbarrassing!
it seems you are getting something personal here with some one. i think you must of had a bad experience? yes i think we are all saying there is definately some people who are due to personal reasons, lazyness or over protective parents dreadfully and shamefully dependent. but you can't generalise or judge a book by a cover can you?
its like me going o look blind girl she must be full of emotional problems and that because i could from experience. i thinkyou have pointed out you have had 1 maybe 2 bad experiences of this am i correct???
Yeh, there's sadly not a lot of education for parents of blind children. But if the parents can't, or won't, teach their children necessary skills, then it's up to the child to take the initiative to learn from somewhere else.
Yeah I've had a couple of bad experiences, but I'm just kind of wondering why this seems to be so common! Like I've said before, I have seen some blind guys that are pretty independent, but why does it seem that some people who are close to their family, are also dependent on them? I myself am pretty close to my grandma, and she's a little overprotective, but I've tried as much as I can to do things on my own. So why does this seem to be so common for some cultures?
And also, as this seems to be common in blind guys, I've also started to notice that this may even be a guy thing in general. I've lately seen some guys who are fully sighted and are still so dependent on their family, and dont want to work!
i can't say i agree with you on the guy generalisation, i am not being biased as a male but i see it from both sides. i can't say i have seen it to the extent you seem to have experienced, but then we are all from different walks of life. of course all parents take an interest to their childs life but if they have any common sense they'll surely let you discover life first hand. i have to say i was very lucky by the sounds of it then as my parents encouraged me to be independent and get out there in society. can you specify your dependence experiences then? is it domestic things or travel or interactivity?
i agree with Jo. i must admit that i am a woman living at home with my parents, but only for reasons of lack of money, and i do work wich still doesn't get me enough to live out on my own, even though i really want to be out of home. i mean, we do look for places within my price range, but let's face it, the blind pention, and very little money the government gives me for working is, well, not even enough to pay for more than low rent where i live....not even enough for food or other bills. also, my parents do nothing at all for me, because for as long as i can remember, they've always taught me to be an independent person, and do everything for myself, including cooking, ironing etc. the only thing my mother actually does really, is help me handle my money, because part of me doing things for myself, is that i have to help pay the household bills, and buy my own, and my dog's food on top of that. i do kno of more men that live at home with mummy just because of convenience, but the ones i kno, do actually help with the running of the house. however, they are sighted, and i actually only kno of one blind guy who does totally live off mummy, and yeah, he was always wrapped up in cotton wool....treated like a baby, from the time he was born.
Well I'm kind of guessing that some of it has to do with where your from! Here in the US, I hear we're actually pretty lucky compared to other places! I mean, we've got the opportunity, well, at least here in Texas, to go to scool, free of charge! And so there's some people who do that. And just opportunities that we have to go to training/college/whatever, and some people just dont want to be independent because they find it easier to live with mummy! I'm not necessarily talking about people who really cant do it because of money, although I dont think money should be much of an excuse either because that's why there's jobs. And I'm mainly talking about the people who just flat out dont want to better themselves because they're too close to their family, and cant stand being away from them! That's the kind of guy that's a real turnoff! Ok, I'm sounding a bit too conseited for my own liking! Lol!
Oh, and the guys that I'm referring to, that I had bad experiences with, well mainly one in particular, he depends on mummy for everything! He does some stuff on his own, but basically he goes out and enjoys himself, and mummy washes clothes, takes him places, (which i can understand because of their location), counts his money, (and doesn't bother showing him how to budget, even though she expects him to do so), etc. And when he was living on his own, he missed that, and so he wanted me to be his maid, because that's all he ever knew! And even though he knows how to do these things just fine, he acts like a baby and wants them done for him!
well, that may be true, but i know some guys who are totally independent, and they are totally blind so yeah
this will take is away from the direct subject then, as a blind student do you expect your fee's to be paid for? i was at university i graduated, but now i have debts of about 30000 dollars probably less now the dollar is strongs 16000 pounds for bettering myself supposedly. yes i work so i am paying this off, but you sound as if you wanted what you disire handed on a plate. i am all for subsidised transport maybe as its not your fault you can't drive, how ever its not your fault you can't go through school or different kinds of educational practices. i think you really need to separate your actual gripes here and decide what your total obliteration of blind life is for blind males and compare different situations.
also i think you'd find there are more blind people employed in the UK than the states as a percentage.